Monday, March 12, 2007


Inspired by Aly Kaply, niece of Der Spoonflinger Herself, is a post of prankmatic proportions. I've always been a fan of lighthearted mischief. Anything that causes someone to say naughty words and then forget about it is good times for me. From an early age, I'd play ding-dong-ditch-it on the neighbors, or TP a friend's house, or try the Flaming Poo trick (never with full success). The advent of Licensed Driverhood brought a whole new realm of naughtiness, as we could stage our prankiness far from our parents, which was always a plus. I'll not tell of my night in jail just yet, because that wasn't SUPPOSED to be misdemeanor malicious destruction of property. It just turned out that way. In school, there were a couple of kids who got matching Jeep Wranglers. On the last day of school, their Senior Prank was to park said Jeeps on the steps, blocking the office doors. Seems harmless enough to me, but they were not allowed to graduate. Poor schmucks. There was a kid who severely annoyed one of the football players. He enlisted us, his teammates, to help him exact revenge one afternoon. The annoyer had parked his VW Rabbit at the end of a row near the woods. A dozen of us picked up the car, walked it about 30 yards over, and placed it bumper-to-bumper between two trees. It was hilarious watching the kid try to wiggle the car out of that spot, carefully backing-and-forthing for about 20 minutes. I had a girlfriend after high school whose big brother was a first class, full scholarship geek of epic proportions. In his 20's, he was a big fan of Yanni other such smooth jazz, had a studio apartment, and was an airport parking lot attendant. A trio of us decided it was Prank Night, and raided his apartment. We saran-wrapped the toilet and applied Fishstink (aromatic fish bait in paste form) to the doorknobs, light switches, and ice cube trays. We gave up on stuffing the bathroom with wadded up newspaper, because we were both lazy and impatient. Finished with the demolition of his cozy, familiar surroundings, we set off to his place of employ. The kid in back had a tank sprayer filled with water and fully pressurized. Think fire extinguisher with a hand-pump. We pulled up to his booth and girlfriend chatted with him a moment. Then, Kid In Back let loose with a mighty spray from the hose. Big Brother smelled a rat, since his sister was normally not friendly to him, and closed the window before suffering a really wet uniform. On the way home, KIB couldn't be satisfied with his failed prank, and hosed down neighboring cars at stoplights. This earned me a personal visit from the very pissed-off driver of an orange GTO, who opened my Chevette's window with his bare fists. I was lucky to escape with only a bloodied ear. I've heard, but never witnessed, that if you pinch a goose's beak shut, he'll poop uncontrollably. There's a local legend involving a college student who captured a goose, some duct tape, and a neighbor's car. Hilarity ensued, including a completely ruined interior and one dead goose. That's a bit extreme for my style. I've messed with cars before, but only by stretch-wrapping the entire vehicle (poor driver late for leaving, trying to saw through a dozen layers of plastic with a key, inventing new cursing combinations) or filling the car with packing peanuts via the sunroof. My favorite recent pranks involve some toys Boy and I found at a novelty shop on Mackinac Island. He got a shock-stapler, which made no sense to me until I borrowed it. I got almost everyone in the office with that contraption, including the boss. Anyway, we were out to lunch on the Island, and he asked the waitress if she knew how to fix it, because he had just bought it and it wouldn't staple. She turned it over, studying it, not noticing the wires, until she finally squeezed it and ZZZAAPP!! Got a hearty shock. She flung the toy across the table, wide eyed and stammering. Naturally, we all cracked up. I leaned over and suggested that it would be OK for her to get Boy back for it. She came out moments later with our drinks, Boy's conspicuously handed to him first. He took a long drag, and his face twisted up like he had smelled rancid skunkmeat. He swallowed hard, exclaiming, "EEeeew! What IS that??" She had poured a half-cup of pickle juice in with his Diet Coke. Simply excellent. Any grand schemes you'd like to share?


Alyssa said...

so this made me laugh a lot. and you're kinda my hero of the day.

Rick said...

I always liked the over-the-top college pranks. My favorite was "removing" the dorm resident advisor's room while he was away for the weekend. Involved either matching the brickwork (depending on which dorm you were in) or finding the right plywood to use for a concrete form... to make the door "disappear."