Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It's In The Dictionary

"Gullible" has finally been removed from the English language. Go look it up (again, for some of you). I was reminded when browsing my vast archives of stuff-that-makes-me-grin, of a story involving a young lady I'll call Laura. One dark and foggy night after band practice, we were leaving the auditorium, and I noted how the darkness was flowing into the big tungsten lights in the parking lot. Laura tilted her head and said, "Huh?" I explained the Dark Sucker Theory to her, and she nodded thoughtfully. (It should be pointed out, Laura is a highly intelligent, very gifted and creative person, not given to dullness. She was, however, about 17 years old at the time.) Her eyes sucked extra dark as a question occurred to her. "What about headlights? How come in the fog, you see the beams of light way out ahead of the car?" I explained that those were directional dark suckers, like the corner nozzle you attach to a vacuum hose. That seemed to satisfy her. I don't know why, but the next time I saw her I got the stinkeye. For hours. I guess she was trying to explain her newfound knowledge to her family, and hilarity ensued. She was under the impression people were laughing AT her, not NEAR her. Well, I know the Dark Sucker Theory is true. I read it on the Internet. ==================================== For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark.Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. This is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

1 comment:

Rick said...

I thought this was common knowledge. No?