Odds & Ends II

Most of you visiting this site already know Jeff Kay and his antics. If'n you don't, go read The West Virginia Surf Report. The man is a comic genius, a hero of mine, and the very reason I've appeared on this strange little stage. In case you're wondering how I stay so well informed, it's because his site has replaced the newspaper, TV news, and Fark as my main source of content. He always has interesting tales to tell, brilliant descriptions, and plenty to make you retract your jaw and say, "WTF?" And, don't forget to read and play in the comments - sometimes the best laughs are there. And occasionally, a weight loss smackdown (see comments). I have until July 4, 2007 (important detail, the year) to drop 35 pounds, or else. ================= Speaking of which, I'm well on my way to a healthyish me. Got my oatmeal and carrots, a bit of soup for lunch, and have cleansed my office of all chocolate. I've always been good at taking on water; better than the Titanic, because I still float. An Aquafina bottle is always with me, and I drain from 2 to 4 liters every day. They say that's supposed to help, but for the last two years the needle has still been hovering in the King Size range of the old shipping scale. So, maybe it's lifestyle. Loafing in front of the teevee, reading a book, and napping are fairly low-impact forms of exercise. So far it hasn't been working. I've taken up a light routine of pushups, stretches, and once in a great while, with much weeping and gnashing of teeth, crunches. I've tried the exercise ball, but it's been murder on my self esteem. I lock the office doors, put on the DVD, and try to mimic the svelte lady in a color-coordinated stretchy body suit. She says sit on the ball, I drape on it. She says form a tabletop with my legs and touch the ball to my knees, and I form a massage-o-matic shaking bed complete with jiggling magic fingers. Sometimes I'm able to hold the ball under my heft for the whole workout. Sometimes it escapes. Time to find a new plan. Jogging? Hate it. Walking? Takes too long. Long rides in the car? I could do that, but somehow I think it would depurp the fetus. Ah, yes! The Amazing Herbal Supplements! I haven't tried those in years, but while mildly effective at $60 a bottle, I felt like my slimy brain was simmering in a crock pot most days. I think I'm going to have to hire me a personal trainer if there's a prayer at winning this thing. Maybe she'll teach me to swim like a frog, run like an aardvark, and dance like a Muppet. I can see the skinny new me now, showing off poolside. One thing's for certain, the competition is hogging all the cheerleaders and I'm gonna need some help.