Do Not Take Before Bed

Today's post was going to be about the day my other sister learned that All Men Have Hairy Butts. However, a malfunctioning hypothalamus has hijacked my thoughts. The night started out well enough, and our good friend Marisol came over for ravioli and sparkling conversation. After she left, I decided to retire for the evening, as I often do. I pulled on my Fashion Jammies (sweat pants and oversized sweater) and snuggled in. It was a dark and stormy night. The December wind whipped rain and naked branches against the siding a mere 4" from my head. It sounded like the time we camped on the beach in Florida, the wind coming and crashing in waves. It would have been almost soothing, but it had a distinct Halloween creepiness to it. Around 1:55 AM, my feet were freezing cold, and I began to shiver a little. I pulled myself into a ball under the thick duvet, and tried to sleep again. Not happening. The shiver returned, persisted, worsened. I flung the covers off and headed upstairs to bump the thermostat to a more balmy 68 degrees, but as soon as I stood, my shoulder began to twitch. Earnestly. A shuddering, cascading tremor crossed my back, like a rhinoceros trying to shake off the desert flies. By the time I made it to the stairs, the Earthquake Pills had taken full effect. My muscles were rippling impressively (if you're impressed by a lurching, chattering, retarded rhino). This was not an ideal time to try to pee. It was like the Power Rinse cycle at the new car wash, with widdle whipping about to and fro, hither and yon, and kicking up quite a lot of frothy turbulence in the bowl. I returned to bed and tried again. The shivering subsided, only to be replaced by an inferno. As my eyeballs gently soft-boiled, I tossed and turned, shed my sweatshirt, put it back on, launched the cat off the bed (an accident, honest), and perspired profusely. Around 3:55, I shuffled cautiously to the bathroom for another drink and some Headache Medicine. I downed a full glass of water, refilled it, and realized that now was the time for the water softener to recharge. Did you know salt water makes you thirstier? Which brings me here, to work. Sleep deprived, feverish, and wishing I had brought a change of clothes. I keep waiting for the delirium to kick in to make this all worth it. Have a nice day.